It’s been a long time since I last wrote in this blog. The thought of scrapping it passed through my mind, but everyone I know encouraged me to continue with it even though they would probably know that I’m only rambling nonsense here haha.
I don’t think it’s good enough for me to make school as an excuse now. Even though in several of my previous posts I ‘persisted’ that schoolworks and exams held me back from doing what I ought to do as a mean of my escapade from reality. Even though I know that this blog would not be particularly attractive to most people and probably only a small amount of those of you out there who would be able to relate to all the stuff that I post.
The transition from IGCSE to A-Levels… it’s amazing.
Not because of the decreasing amount of subjects I’m focusing on right now (in A-Levels you get to do four subjects in your first year, then drop one in the second year), but the mentality, the value judgement that I hold for myself. I suppose I have always considered myself as an underdog in IGCSE.
The ‘fact’ that I was an underdog, it poked my confidence to no end. I kept on telling myself that I’m not good enough for this school, not good enough for England, to the point where I could just completely shut myself from the rest of the crowd. Subsequently weekends were spent staying in my accommodation all the time. I guess I became sort of anthrophobic…?
Socialising is good, but having too many companies around me is overwhelming. I found comfort with my laptop (I’m always with it, this is why school is a no good excuse not to write at all), books, and well… one or two people that I really trust most.
Sorry by the way, for those of you who have been shoved away with my thorns. Whether I did it deliberately or not, I’m still sorry.
Now, curtain call. A new Me has her chin up towards what lies ahead.
Today I was walking in the crowded town centre, my friend and I were going to do some grocery shopping. I was really in a good mood seeing as today was pretty sunny outside (and a sunny day in good old England supposed to be a happy day). Some guy passed by me and suddenly ‘ruffled’ my head and said “ah we’ll know how it feels if we did this” and sniggered as he walked away with his comrade.
Is it just me, or have you ever not touch a scarf before? I know, my scarf is so smooth no wonder you’re so tempted to touch it.
Just like what they said, “You’ll meet a lot of idiots in life.”
The talking is enough to express just how strange I am in your eyes, no need for the touching-touching session. I know that I’m an alien and you’re a part of the majority. Honestly though, you don’t want to see a demonstration of how a ‘fragile’ looking girl dislocate your arm’s joint.
I’ve never been the best in overcoming my anxieties, so writing is usually my escapade to vent out my troubles. Though there were times when I just couldn’t help it, so eventually I cried. It is as if all the things that I’ve been protecting in this strong barrier suddenly burst just like that. I felt relieve though in most cases, but usually it’ll be followed by this hollowness inside.
The hollowness may be a mixture of loneliness, in which I would ask myself whether I’m the only one who experienced this kind of thing amongst the 7 billions of the human population. Then I would become all nostalgic where I really really really wished for time to go back and take me to my younger days. Where the society won’t see me as a lonely stranger but instead would welcome me as a mere innocent child.
Inside, it felt like my own hope-built up sword just stabbed me, then some unknown force twisted it.
Like I’m a knight on the battle field, taking the arrows for my comrades and they stood there, stupefied and eventually… left.